Sunday, 31 July 2016

Dear Diary of Martin X - 31/07/2016


A poem to hide behind 

Why would I want to do that? 
It's obvious at one level 
Being elliptical and abstract about lust for example 
It is perhaps better to find a more sophisticated way 
of expostulating the proposition: 
"I suppose a shag is out of the question?" 
When you're trying to win your anima's admiration. 
No?
Then there's simple code 
"Dear 'xxx' - 
I'm talking about you but I don't want anyone except you to know
I'll hide my truth 
behind  the gluey mask of a poem and when I rip it off 
my face will come away with it. 
The reasons to write a poem to hide behind 
are many and various then 
and often more than justified. 

What's the contrary position, 
a poem to be reflected in? 
The old, mirror up to nature ploy? 
Yeah, sure, but Mr Shakespeare's done that to toast 
and why make yourself look pale as a ghost in a cloud bank 
by comparison? 

We'll hide behind a poem 
at the bottom of the dell 
We'll send each other messages 
enigmatic kiss n tells 
We will be like snowdrops 
Growing in the forest 
Secret little beauties 
Glowing in the mist 
With lingering beads of dew
Bending at a wisp 
Hide behind a poem 
Set a heart alight 
Your body's on the tram 
Your soul is climbing trees

Aren't we being deluded 
Aren't we culpable 
Each to their own planet 

Let's be holy fools.






Saturday, 30 July 2016

Dear Diary of Martin X 30/07/2016



Dear, ... 

Your name and image and invocation cropped up in the course of an exceptional and rare day today. It was a day where mighty forces converged on the weak threads of our existence and broke some spurious links away. 

So, (I dunno if you're reading this by the way, now that you're not speaking to me over that film money thing) but anyhow, as you know, I have a polyamorous bent, fueled in part, ironically, by the strange and neo-erotic case of  impotence which I endure like the good martyr of Szechuan that I am.

The perverse, or maybe atypical thing about a certain strain of impotence, is the way in which it forces the equal and opposite of its effect by compelling me at times, to ogle the sexual compatibility of strange women, i.e. women who are strangers to me, not green haired British surrealists firing pistols in the street. This symptom of arse gazing on the escalator, nipple splitting and flesh assessing continues unabated. This excruciating form of torture is hideous in many ways and I take no pleasure in suffering it. This nipple, that breast, those pants, that belly; that wobble, that jiggle, that hint, that slip. That curve, that line, that 'V', that peek. It's fucking murder. And as I mention it, I remember I have to include you in my voyeurus expiation due to the fact that the smell of that perfume you used to wear has just engulfed me in the metro at kitay gorod where we used to meet and go to China Pilot. That first flush of our attraction yielded a little black book of naughtiness which I keep for lonely moments. 
Maybe this lingering (or should I say lingerie-ing) attachment to some of the pink and ecstatic images in that little black book which cling to me like starlight and bend my wanton gait, make it obvious to my better half that you still occupy some space in my sexed-down fantasy life. Ergo, my dear, ... you were held up and wafted at me as an example of a person on the receiving end of the aforementioned polyamorous bent. I know this would have amused you and mention it in passing; (not that you are reading this at all, but thank you for the cash.)
As an addendum to a previous comment I made about my unrequited tryst with a rabbit and a red haired girl, I return to the burning lust I feel towards red heads which infects me on my travels and can be traced back directly to those dark passages of unfulfilled desire in the gloomy interior of her dad's potting shed. 
Is it like that with all of them? Does the vehicle of my subconscious behavior veer from lane to lane on this mad dash up the wrong side of a dual carriageway because it is being driven by the mad, alcoholic ignoramus that I was? And am I now in the thrall of this dead man's throttle? Yo ho ho and a bottle of phencodyl. That's the way to screw it! 



Sent from my iPhone







Friday, 29 July 2016

Dear Diary of Martin X - 29/07/2016



3553

It was my 35 and 53rd year to heaven 
And I was sitting in the park 
With a stomach full of pigeon feathers 
And my eyes as clear as grit 
Tarmac black my brain ableat 
Freedom's light a wand away
A concrete Angel's graceless straight 
Clocks my Bosch in the pleasure park with all my faces tick tock tick 
"How genius you are," she says
"And lick your dick" 
35 is half way then 
To three score and ten
So it happened to be that there's a discrepancy of eighteen 
Between thirty five and fifty three 
Which is how old I was when I was given the key to the garden 
Of the olde apple tree.
And that is where it all began
The cat sat on the lap 
The madcap larked and leapt and crashed 
The mirror pool rippled and turned wine dark 
We grew two heads and the tunnel was stark 
Stark as a merman hung up to dry
For all that lives must die must die 
And you my father 
Gone like a knight 
Bold as brass 
And I became you 
With your scars 
And your tattoos 
I'll do them later my dad my dad 
A snake and a dagger 
And a union flag 
I'll soon be with you 
Sooner than pink 
Bless my sister 
Bless my cat 
Bless my children 
Bless my mother 
Bless my wife 
And bless my lover 
Those who live by the sword 
Are gonna fuckn die by it
The window stays open and the night stays out
God is in heaven 
And we have to work ourselves out.

It was my 35 and 53rd year to heaven 
And I was sitting in the chair
With a stomach full of swallow
And my eyes as clear as mud
iPhone black my brain deplete 
Freedom's light a tweet away
Image of the Angel's almond blender 
Purrs the pussy full of pleasure
pall my faces tick tock tick 
"How genius you are," she says
"And lick your dick."


















Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Dear Diary of Martin X 26/07/2016



It’s been a stupid, stupid, stupid, kinda day. Hooray!!

A don’t know nothing, got no idea kinda day. Eddie and the hot rods do anything you wanna do kind of day! Socratic and iconoclastic.

Don’t have no beliefs or inquisitions or inhibitions or ego maniacal expectations today. Don't wanna be right or no how to write, (sic in case yu fink I'm fick) don't want your respect, wanna be in it up to my neck! Don’t wanna save myself be saved save you save it save money save up save down save time save a drowning man or a bag of fluffy kittens. Don't wanna be good!! Don't wanna be hugged!!

Anyway, it was fun, the stupid little day which I had yesterday. Going along with the ride and refusing to run and hide. Saying what I'm not supposed to and winding people up. Being abrasive and illiterate and brazen and belligerent, in your face and up to no good like the big bad wolf blowing your straw house down. Take that, Pig!!!  

Did some politico think about it stuff and got some education. It’s not such a heavy world when you walk its streets in freedom. Everboy could do it. A lot of people do. Well, as many as twenty percent at any rate. Like peas we are, the twenty percent of us who reject authority in all its forms and who understand and accept that truth is a pathless land. You said it myself my younger brother, "the trouble with my brain is that it has got a mind of its own." 
So when I refuse to accept my own received opinions and my own warped emotional reactions to the circus of expedience and obedience going on out there as if it's anything more than the usual sound and fury signifying nada, then the weight of insignificance and powerlessness melts away like an ice pop, dissolving on the tongue. 

I didn't know that I could evaluate the significance of someone's political message without taking into account their haircut, did you? Know what, it's true, having a short back and sides won't make you a more astute philosopher or a more compassionate bhuddist, will it? But it might make you vote for someone you don't agree with just because they've got nice nails!! 
Ha ha!! What a circus!! What a joke! 
I'm laughing. Then people rub this bad smell behind their ears and give you the come on dressed in a skimpy neglige of negligence they bargain bought from BHS! And they expect that looking like miss nipple wart 96 and reeking of self implanted pig shit that you're gonna wanna jump into bed with them!! Oink!!! Not likely dear!

Hey! If you're beginning to think this looks a bit like a diary entry... Don't worry, it isn't!! I'm lying and fantasizing and fictionalizating and masturbating and people baiting and leftie hating and circumnavigating the Catherine wheels of my shoe box in order to celebrate the yesterday of my life with a little play of words and a splash of enthusiasm in spite of all in spite of all, not to be consumed by the thrall of dualism and to hope I'll be forgiven for my Indian burn rants and my magnifying glass skin scorchers; well, let's face it my lefties, we all like being tortured.  

Sing if you're glad to be stoopidista, the stoopidest, o stupido you goat!

Awwooooo!!!!! 




Monday, 25 July 2016

Dear Diary of Martin X 25/07/2016



Rabbits part three. 

This wretched and flippant little memory is the only significant image our Rabbit breeding bad boy can recall of Diana. She impinged upon him only superficially at all other times. She wasn't one of the cagoolie types, that's for sure. O, did I mention the cagoolies? We can talk about them another time. The cagoolies represent a boot-on-the-other-foot epilogue to this story if you want to delve further into the fecund manure heap of Bradfordania. 

The red headed rabbit girl came and went. Probably she never noticed she was a particular character in this Romeo and Juliet reenactment. She lived in a nice house with a stone wall and a garden shed, next to a park called Idle rec, overlooked by the railway line at the back of the graveyard which you could get to by a cool snicket all covered in ivy and delineated by an iron fence. There was a magical world on the other side of the park where people lived in their own houses and probably travelled to Leeds whenever they liked. So to the poor little bad boy with his scruffy clothes and his stolen cigarettes she became a mystical creature once he saw the lay of her shed on the posh side of the park.The interplay of his tragic fantasy and her innate aversion to this smelly and irksome rogue with rabbit juice and nicotine on his fingers probably speaks for itself - but our guy's laughable ability to continue banging his head against a locked chastity belt knew no bounds and he agreed to come back next week to do the pregnancy test. 


This is show you tell if a rabbit is pregnant: A week after the mating you reintroduce the buck to the doe and if she is pregnant she squeals and stamps her foot. Please remove the buck immediately - pregnant rabbits are rather mystical creatures and can self-abort by ingesting their kittens, they will do this if the buck remains because anyway the buck is apt to eat his children. This is not a desirable state of affairs for the lady rabbit, she is a rather clumsy mother but makes the most beautiful nest for her babies from the softest fur on her breast which she plucks with her teeth - think angora, how warm and gentle it is. A baby rabbit is born blind and bald; they need a soft warm bed to be born into. And daddy is a forbidden guest. 

Russian scientists, it is claimed, did an experiment - a mother rabbit in a Moscow laboratory had her head wired, her kittens were taken in a submarine and killed at specific intervals. The mother rabbit registered signs of distress and sorrow at the times of her children's deaths. Rabbits lack intelligence in many ways, but they are undoubtedly sensitive. Our boy is like this rabbit, feeling the deadly crushing of unrequited lust as the conventions and prejudices of society prevented him from importuning access to the rabbits nest o paradise forever hidden form his gaze by our lady of redness, now dying to see the back of the boy and his buck - who alas had also failed to impregnate his wide eyed doe as white as a virgins bed. 

Trudging home with a buck in a box, the boy felt a sonic ripple searing through his soul in microscopic pricks as if the antithesis of Eros was impaling him with barbed arrows of humiliation and whipping him with lashes of mockery which brought up welts of laceration caused by Diana's pride and her conditioning and her contempt and her scorn. 

She never spoke to him again. The rabbit's name was Gerald. 









Dear Diary of Martin X 24/07/2016



The mating was due to take place in a garden shed. 
Rabbit intercourse is a super fast deal. The buck will typically mount the doe and shag her arse off with an incredibly vigorous momentum. Like a little fluffy jack hammer. Rrrruuummph!!! She's done. 
And there's the (thinks-he's-a) bad boy and the red haired girl full of hormones and reticence somehow being reluctant to even hold hands or kiss sloppily in a dark shed and a couple of rabbits rrrumpty tumpting away merrily in the sawdust covered corner. Ah bliss. But what of our erstwhile virgins? Remarkable how the bluster and exuberance of youth and the nominal effrontery with which they taunt the rough world on its brake becomes dissipated and listless in this hutch within a hutch. “Love in a hut, is love, says Keats; was it something I said?” thinks our boy. “Maybe I should bite the back of her neck, rip her pants off and give her a proper seeing to?” He muses, with unsolicited permissiveness. But actually saying: “Are you sure yours is a doe?”
“Yes of course!” (Now she's mildly enraged, red cheeks and red hair) 
“Can I have a look?”
(Is this a new version of "you show me yours and I'll show you mine"?)
“Go on then.” 
The thing about the 'first I want a kiss and then I want it all' syndrome is how contradictory it is. What does he want our furry friend? He wants rumpy pumpy. What does she want? She wants heartbeats and kittens. What does he want? He wants love-bites and perfume.
The way to inspect the sexual organs of a doe is quite simple. You put her on her back in your hand and look in her eyes and she becomes very calm, then you open her back legs ever so gently and prize open her genitalia with your thumb and forefinger and plup – out pops her glittering prize. Same with the buck but his glittering prize pops out slightly more pronouncedly.
So, this wanton cross between biological science and bestial sexual deviance takes place in full view of the red haired girl without the bad lad giving it a second thought. Maybe this action is too rustic for her? The very “country” matter which Hamlet talks to Ophelia about with such vulgarity and pith. 
My love is like a red red rose... could that be where she took her bat home, the beautiful alabaster freckled red haired girl with her decadence and her pride? And there she is having to contend with a scruffy oik in the garden shed, fiddling longingly with her pet rabbit's receptive fanny, smelling as he did of "the other side of the park" - cigarettes and dandelions and bonfires and gin. Something must have put her off, cos this gamekeeper was never going to have a sniff with this Lady Chatterley, no matter how chirpy his buck's penis was. 







Sunday, 24 July 2016

Dear Diary of Martin X 23/07/2016



She was a red haired girl with pearl white skin. There's no lurid history of unrequited desire between us. We are schoolmates. Incarcerated in the same bird cage with different degrees of antipathy towards our similar circumstances. We have somethings in common. Unspoken cultural immersions and tacit objections towards the prevailing autocracies which permeate our being with ultra sounds of demagoguery and the blatant social engineering of our souls. We're at the same shitty school going through the same shitty routines. One difference being that she is essentially a nice girl and I am essentially a bad boy. Weird bad, that is, not "johnny-was-a-working-class-hero-fending-off-all-the-girls" kinda bad. 

In those days I kept and bred rabbits. They are such gentle, strange, alluring and fascinating creatures; not quite so easy to breed as you might imagine and full of curious foibles to enjoy managing. Procuring fresh dandelion leaves and other varieties of foodstuff led me to enlarge my knowledge of Common varieties of flora in the British countryside. Rabbits don't like lettuce. And carrot tops should be given to them sparingly. Never pick them up by the ears, it's cruel. (Rabbits, not red-heads).

I mentioned this rabbit habit to her as we walked home together one time, (it was quite unusual for us to accompany one another, I didn't spend much time with girls.) To my surprise and delight it turned out she also had a rabbit! I'm not sure who brought up the subject of mating my buck and her doe but the idea caught fire and penetrated the mundanity of our trudge. Something of the fellow traveler and the prevailing circumstances of our shitty school experience and what with it being a pleasant day and the whole rabbit habit thing and her having such nice red hair and so on made me enjoy having her along for my ride. Her name, as I remember it, was Diana. 

Not long afterwards I found myself sitting in her shed and introducing my buck to her doe. 









Dear Diary of Martin X 22/07/2016



SQUIB 


I am gonna try and encapsulate something 
soemthing about the night and how I felt 
And how it tasted to feel how I felt 
And how how I felt accentuated my senses 
And how I smelt more than usual 
Like eucalyptus and cigarettes 
I don't know how 
Perfume of happiness, Perfume of death 
The way that fairies give each other Pleasure 
I can taste the taste of tonight to this minute 
"And still in my nostrils, the scent of her flesh
And still my wet mouth, sought her afresh" 
I don't know how to do that. Look! 
This string of words I found in my stomach
Like a pearl
So, two competing concepts 
The selves in the mirror and the one - the we are one, literally
i don't know how to say that
the older the oyster the bigger the pearl.




Friday, 22 July 2016

Dear Diary of Martin X 21/07/2016



Ratstar/Ratstar.

There's a demon in the mirror and a Poet in the wardrobe, (kissing all the girls.)
An orchestra in the pantry and a hedgehog in the garden. (Screaming in agony.) 
Grannie and grandad are swinging on the moon 
And the old man in the moon is you my father, o my father, o my heartache. 

The devil in disguise: 
Congratulations!! You led your brother into sin! Sorry I wasn't there to help you out. 
RatStar: 
Who are you?
The devil in disguise:
Who are you?
Ratstar: 
I'm Ratstar.
The devil in disguise:
Ya Tozhe! 
Ratstar: 
Who are you? 
The devil in disguise:
I'm Ratstar! 
Ratstar: 
And so is my wife... 
Condensation mists the mirror as Ratstar/Ratstar exchanges breath and gazes with his other self.
Ratstar: 
I haven't got all day.
The devil in disguise:
Take your time.
Ratstar:
Am I dead?

The devil in disguise chortles merrily.






Thursday, 21 July 2016

Dear Diary of Martin X 20/07/2016



Cuckoo Cider and the narcissist's shadow 

Yesterday the mirror cracked and the humanoid beyond the pale did more than trot out the usual dumb show but actually returned my stare; inversely he broke the universal contract on self reflection in a twisted-his-head-inside-out kinda way, and even began to converse with me. 

I had seen the illusion within the looking glass distort and darken and convolute and grow horns before but never heard him (her/it?) make utterance prior to this time.


I had been keeping a diary recently, and true to the foibles of my sporadic habit, I soon became confused as to the line between diary and life, between thought and wish, between fiction and memory. Of course I'm happy to smudge these lines; I'm no diarist at all. I like to blurt out my proclivities and ejaculate my unsolicited opinions for however long the fancy takes me (until I get lost, or disappear up my arse) then I let the dust settle on my observations, even, if not most particularly, the obtusest amongst them, and proceed to leave the scribbled hieroglyphs dormant for a period of time; eventually, like a case of wind-fall cider, the contents become amplified and intoxicating by virtue of my having added a champagne cork, a sprig of sugar and an unspecified period of abandonment in a dark and lonely place to congeal and distill their festering scratches. Upon latterly being reexamined in the light of evanescent referral, (generally when the cuckoo calls) the obscure references often seem to reveal that which was wrapped in impossible-to-square-circularity at the time of first writing. Clarity prevails because recognition blows fragments of reality into full blown myth. And myth is truer than life.






Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Dear Diary of Martin X 19/07/2016


Paperweight

The infernal imagination is not so pure as a kitten's tongue, not so neat as a submarine. Every starting point is a prick of starlight and the story can be traced out of the night like the delicate scribble on an Ark Angel's etch a sketch pad, or a broken love heart in the warm wet sand. 
Imagination sends me Fluidity, she wants to imbue me wryly with wetness and longing. The horn of cherries transmutes into a soft and velvety glove which I am invited to put my hand in, finger after finger. This is the source of life this warm and oily opening, this dark and tender wound, this forfended lair of paradise. This is the dripping honeycomb of sweet surrender, this is the living image of the slash I'm fucking for virginity, this is the holy concourse of arbitration between liminality and forfension, this is the sentient orchid whose scent rigs my carrot, whose front cocks my game, whose bent is the Lady who lives in shallot, who's rent with which the hazy debacle is shaved. 

The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
You're in need of a splash.
Himself:
Paint or frigidity?
Interlocutor:
You have to stand at least five clouds away if you want to speak to him. 
The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
This is yesterday remember, I'm a shag and a half begone and got on with it by now.
Himself:
Yesterday the fields were only grey with snow.
Interlocutor: 
This is gonna end in loathing and denial. 
Himself: 
No it isn't you knee high to a grasshopper sclerotic fuckwit. 
The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
You asked for that.
Interlocutor: 
Q.E.D.
The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
What's got his goat?
Interlocutor: 
He don't like he don't like ...
The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
Eric Clapton?
Himself:
Himself.
The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
Being dislocated in time?
Interlocutor:
... being interrupted.

Pause:

The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
I wrote you a note. 
Himself:
Is this gonna be a sting thing?
Interlocutor: (Holding up note.)
Exhibit A.
Himself:
Do we have to proceed with this charade?
Interlocutor: 
Your honour, madam, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm trying to establish the motif of the accused. His soul is deeply buried in an inaccessible place and the commensurate jack shit of tangible empathy is the result you see before you; a cold hearted beast with no speck of consideration or decency in his twisted being.
The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
Good point well made. Harsh but fair. (She applauds with mittens)
Interlocutor:
The note I have in my be-gloved hoof is an echo from the accused’s school days, I submit that the evidence towards establishing his corrupted nature is both compelling and salient.
Himself:
You can stop speaking now, the judge has nodded off. 
The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
Don't penetrate me please. 
Himself: 
I would sink into you like a cold bath. Silent fronds of the virginity you saved for me, would waft between my legs like seaweed in a warm lagoon on a windy day.
The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
You never loved me.
Himself; 
Love never fails.
Deborah:
I never loved you.
Interlocutor:
Ouch. 
Himself: 
I beg your pardon? 
Interlocutor:
I said "Ou..."
Himself: 
Not you. 
Interlocutor:
O....
Himself: 
We've discussed all this. 
The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
And left it ringing on an empty bedpost. 
Himself: 
Splash. 
Interlocutor: 
Paint?
The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
Frigidity. An understandable confluence of frustrations in view of the circumstances. Not withstanding the fact that these mitigations are a matter of record, I remain steadfast in my determination not to repeat them my L’ud.
Himself. 
Just an ejaculation.
The ghost of three Deborah’s: 
Running away with me...
Disembodied voice: 
Are we back in today yet? 

Silence.

Torn pieces of paper scattered in space fall softly through endless night like pieces of fake snow in a giant glass bauble.



Sculpture - Rodin, The Lovers.